


Bumbling Idiots

by VioletThePorama



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: 305 spoilers, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, I needed to write some more, Just some headcanons, M/M, iiii almost cried writing the last chapter am i okay, kind of, loosely related to the other fic i wrote, season 3 spoilers in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 12:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19701706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletThePorama/pseuds/VioletThePorama
Summary: Nothing was cooler than your best friend suddenly gaining potentially dangerous and life threatening powers. Except maybe Glazed McGuffins. But really, what could beat those?Some chapters around the idea of Sam and Max switching places for things in season 3.





	1. Does This Count As Noir!Max?

“Are you ready to crack down on this last reel like a lonely grandmother on her scrapbook, little buddy?” Sam eyed the reels and placed the last one into the projector. He glanced at Max when he got no response, and frowned at the bunny’s awkward squirming, that only stopped when Sam reached over and nudged him. Max turned to him with a large grin.

“Well Sam, I actually need to use the little lagomorphs room.”

“Bonehead,” Sam sighed. “I told you to go before we left. And at the most suspenseful moment too!”

“I didn’t have to go then!” Max whined, and Sam moved to usher him off. 

“Fine. Just hurry, or I might not wait up on you to start it.”

Max glanced back at him as he neared the doorway, putting on a pout. “But Sam-”

“Go on,” Sam waved a paw, and Max raced off.

Sam waited around for him for some time, looking around the room idly. He avoided looking at the skeletons of their ancestors, as he found them a bit unnerving, interesting as they were. 

Unfortunately, Max wasn’t very quick about returning, and the mole people were starting to glance in at him when they weren’t murmuring to each other. Sam waved and smiled, but found it harder and harder not to just start the tape. It felt like they were judging him, and with how long it had been already, chances were that Max had either forgotten that he needed to use the bathroom after not being able to find it, or had found it and had gotten sidetracked afterwards. If Sam started it then, it would probably already be over by the time Max remembered and found him again, so there was really no downside to playing it. Besides, he could just rewatch it with Max and already know the solution.

Sam played the reel. 

___________________________

“Hey Sam?” Max called, holding onto a doorway as he glanced in. Some molemen were cowering by the wall, but that wasn’t what he was looking for-

Oh yeah! Reels!

There was a setup for an old timey movie or something, and Sam was probably closeby. They had been doing something with the reels. Sam and he had been…

The reels told a story, he was pretty sure. About Santa, or something. Or- the skeletons- their ancestors. That would have been a lot simpler if Sam had said something.

Max walked further in, glancing at the projector’s screen before he looked around for Sam. It was pretty rude (and unusual) for him not to have caught Max up right away. He began to voice this to the room before he noticed-

“ _ Sam! _ ” The lagomorph shouted, sprinting over to his friends body-

- _ To his friends body _ -

- _ To Sam! _

Max crouched by the dog, ignoring any comments his mind supplied about this being  _ just like a movie _ because even if he wasn’t as hyperactive as Max was, Sam was never so still or quiet, especially not when Max called his name. Sometimes maybe, when Sam looked in a mirror or looked at their fridge, he would get kind of quiet, but even in sleep, the dog whined and made blackmail-worthy noises as he dreamt of cases or chasing something. 

And  _ Sam’s head was open _ . His brain was gone and all that was left was a hollow recess in his skull. 

Cool-?

Well, his brain had to be somewhere...

Max shook his shoulder and called his name again, but the dog just flopped back limply, like that one time that Max had convinced him to climb a tree and he’d slipped and fallen off of one of the shorter branches (what a wimp), and had broken his arm. Back then, cute, marketable, little Max had felt a spike of rage at the ground for being so hard, at Sam for slipping and not just being  _ better _ at climbing, and for just a moment, himself for dragging his friend up there. 

Something tightened in Max’s chest, choking him up as his eyes stung, just like when he choked on water, or soy sauce, or  _ when he cried _ .

The rabbit curled close to Sam, and the dog was already smelling a bit weirder than usual, even against the sewer and the horrible stench of molemen. The lagomorph sniffed into his fur, and felt for the last remaining heat in Sam’s body, but  _ nothing was beating anymore and nothing wasmovingorshifting _ , and Max nuzzled Sam’s muzzle but  _ his noise wasn’t cold or wet anymore and- _

He sniffled and grasped at his partner’s hat, unsure of what to do since it couldn’t go back on his head yet. 

Everything felt too loud and Sam wasn’t calling him ‘little buddy’. The molemen wouldn’t top sniveling, even though Max was the one with a possibly dead partner-!

Wait.  _ Those molemen? _

Alright…

Max put Sam’s hat on, and tugged at Sam’s tie, choking back a whine and smiling weakly at his partner. Usually tugging on his tie would get him to follow his smaller partner but… 

It looked like he would have to take care of it by himself. 

The lagomorph wiped his damp fur, and sat Sam up briefly, offering him his best smile again (far too weak. Not enough teeth showing.  _ What’s wrong little buddy? _ ) before he hauled Sam over to the molemen, reaching for his gun. He needed results, and he needed them  _ quickly _ .

**_“This is going to be fun… Right, Sam?”_ **


	2. I Couldn't Think Of A Clever Name For The Clones

Sam stepped out of the building, disoriented from being just a brain. Unfortunately, the sight that met him outside didn;’t make him feel any better.

Scores of Max’s were tearing into the city, throwing cars, breaking down walls, and causing general mayhem. One of them was even jaywalking! Did their evil know no bounds?

“Sorry little buddy, but one of you is enough,” Sam called, picking up Max and hurrying down the road.

“But Sam, they’re so handsome!”

“That may be, but your doppelgangers are wrecking the city.”

Sam set down Max once he picked up on the idea of running. The horde of clones that pursued them probably aided that decision. They raced to Stinky’s diner with Skunka’pe not far behind.

The clones were quite catastrophic, and the problem facing them wasn’t just finding out who sent or what made them, but also how to stop them from destroying the city and hurting people. Curse Max for being so destructive!

They all called for ‘toys’, and launched themselves at anybody they seemed to think had them. Sam assumed they were referring to the magic toys, but a few of them were toting around plush dogs too. Sam found that deeply amusing, and frankly rather adorable. Max seemed to be purposefully ignoring those clones. 

Speaking of clones, he needed to think of an interesting name for them…

They holed up in the greasy diner, and the lot of them shot at the Max clones, who tried to break into the building with no regard for morals or life itself. Banter could be heard between the two Stinky’s, and even Flint Paper, but Sam found himself a bit too distracted to keep up with them yet. 

The sight of his fluffy white friend being splayed out and covered in red from the bullets was getting to the dog, and he backed off, feeling a bit sick and unnerved. He would do best focusing on something else. Like getting to the bottom of their current case. 

“Max, will you cover my spot for me while I look for a way out of here?”

“There’s no way out,” Stinky called from the side, and Girl Stinky muttered something while typing on her phone. Suspicious. 

“Sure thing, Sam!” Max bounced up to another window, laughing maniacally as he took himself out. Sam had hoped that Max would be a little more reserved in killing his clones, but the little guy really had no care or respect for the sanctity of life. Or maybe the situation lent itself more towards some sort of suicidal ideation. “This is fun!”

“Alright, little buddy,” Sam agreed, tearing his eyes away from the window to try out Stinky’s secret passage again. 

He wondered if Max would be as enthusiastic about killing the clones if it had been an army of Sams out there. 


	3. TMW An Evil Dummy Kidnaps You

Max woke up atop the Statue of Liberty with a  _ very _ creepy ventriloquist dummy sitting on his arm. He hated those things!

Sam was down below, stumbling around in an enclosed space with a long row of Max's dancing around him. 

_ Handsome little guys! _

An urge overtook him as Charlie and Sam called to each other. It was overpowering and a bit suffocating-

“Yes, master,” Max droned, and  _ wow _ . That did not sound right. He wasn’t at all in the right situation to pull that line off!

Max squirmed. 

“What’s that? Ya’ say you can’t move? Of course you can’t, you big dummy! You’re my slave, my pawn oh-... What’s the word?  _ Puppet _ !”

Well that was boring. Max squirmed again, trying to stick his tongue out. And suddenly he had an itch on his nose that he needed to take care of too. 

“Mmm mmhmn!” Max exclaimed, and the dummy turned to an imaginary audience with a taunting laugh. The lagomorph didn’t really listen in, too busy with the effort of trying to scratch his back, which was  _ also _ itchy. His clones droned out something that sounded vaguely like a swear, and-

“Alrighty then~” Charlie announced, and then chanted something. Suddenly, Max could talk again. It felt like something had been lifted, if he wanted to sound cliche about it. 

“So, bunny. What’s on your mind?”

Sam seemed pretty clueless for the time being, so Max decided to yak at the dummy some until his friend got up there. 

“You ever poured molasses on a hot summer's day?”

Charlie turned to him, incredulous. In the distance, something exploded. A clone, probably. 

“Do you even  _ realize _ the situation you’re in? I’m about to summon my master, Junior, to this world-”

“How?” Max asked, trying to tilt his head before giving up on movements.

“-By sacrificing your clones, you dumb  _ rotten _ creature!” Charlie Ho-Tep snapped, in his high pitched, annoying voice. “It’s the only thing they’re good for. They  _ barely _ even got Junior’s magic toys to me!”

Junior was a bad name. Absolutely idiotic.

“I’m really proud of their destruction, actually,” Max commented as the dummy turned back to the piano, that Max was being forced to watch and listen to. It couldn’t have been a magic kazoo or something?

“Really, I’m flattered,” Max laughed, squirming and trying to look down at Sam, and by proxy, his clones. “But why little old me? Oh! Let me guess. You saw me and just couldn’t help yourself. I  _ do _ have that effect on people.”

“Ha! You can’t move while under my thrall-”

Was that was a thrall was?

“-And no! Absolutely not! Cloning you was one of the worst mistakes I could have made while getting Junior’s toys. You’re a buffoon, and your copies nearly ruined the Devil’s Toybox. They don’t even listen to me!” The dummy sighed, looking saddened for half a moment. “Cloning your friend would have been a much better decision in the long run…”

Max struggled between defending his destruction as cool, agreeing that using Sam was fun, and threatening the puppet with a long string of insults and descriptive acts of violence. He settled on sticking out his tongue and staring blankly at Charlie.

“I guess you can’t win them all,” The puppet(master?) finally settled on, turning back to the piano. 

After some back and forth with Doctor Norrington, Max figured out how to change to different songs on the piano. It was just  _ terrible _ to hear the same thing for a prolonged amount of time. Also, it seemed to help out Sam (somehow), and also brought the world closer to destruction! All wins!

Sam was spouting something at the clones down below. Max could hear him calling out to them, asking (pleading) for help to get up, so he could get to his  _ little pal _ . Real touching-

Some shouts came from down below, and Charlie Ho-Tep gasped. Max was concerned for a few seconds, looking over with his limited range of motion. The Max clones (Sam was still spitballing different options of what to call them. Simaxlations? Rabbit-cas?) were swarming Sam, and then lifting him up. Sam’s little monologue had roused whatever instinct Max had to follow him (he hadn’t entirely missed seeing the ones carrying around the cute little doggy toys) amd they surged up the stairs in the chaotic way that only he could achieve. 

The doorway was destroyed. There was so much property damage. Max was proud.

Then the dummy floated away (why can he fly???), and Doctor Norrington fell, somehow not dying in the process, and told Sam that he could unlock his true potential. 

Sam levitated, following the dummy. He glowed like something in an anime (that Max most definitely never watched), and crackled with electricity. 

Cool!


	4. I Don't Feel So Good

“Sam?” Max called after the battle. Sam was rather high up, and while he did have all his cool psychic things, the dog had never been fond of being The Chosen One in the different prophecies they ran across. That was always Max’s job. He watched the sky anxious-

No. He wasn’t nervous at all. His partner had just defeated a ventriloquist dummy, and was about to come down to brag about it while being secretly sappy about having protected the city. 

I’ll-” Sam called, sounding dizzy. “Just a mi- nng…”

The dog descended. It was a bit faster and spun more than Sam probably liked, but it looked safe enough to Sam, so he scrambled over to the convenient platform that the dog was falling onto. Just a few inches over, and he’d be falling a  _ lot _ father. 

“Sam!” Max stumbled closer, sinking down next to him as he landed. He felt frozen for a split second, a brief flash of what happened before getting to him. The stench of the sewers was everywhere and nowhere, but-

Sam moved. A good sign.

(He was probably just overreacting.)

“I don’t feel so good…”

Well he was well enough to complain. Max threw on a smug grin. 

“Well you did just have to battle over some brat named  _ Junior _ ,” The lagomorph quipped, sitting back. “That’d take the fight out of anybody.”

Sam stood, a bit shaky, and Max latched onto his leg. 

“Yeah, but Max, it feels like when you get home after a day shopping and find coupons that expire that day, after you’ve already bought it all, forcing you to-” Sam’s next words were incomprehensible, a lot like Charlie’s chanting earlier. Max jerked his head up. 

“Sam?”

“I think I swallowed some-” More words, and Sam stumbled back, pushing Max off of him. 

Max blinked slowly, and watched as his friend grew rapidly, stepped off of the Statue of Liberty, and walked towards the city. 


	5. Attack Of The 50-Foot Doggy

They stepped out of the car and into Sam’s stomach. He was hesitant to call it ‘classy’ or anything, but it was certainly cleaner than their office. Actually… It was kind of boring. Like a stock image of a house before anybody had actually lived in it. 

Max glanced at his companions, Doctor Norrington and Sybil. And Papierwaite, he guessed. The latter seemed rather stressed out, but Max couldn’t read the doctors expression. He was kind of bad at that. (Or it was just difficult to read the intentions of an eldritch horror.)

Sybil, of course, had had her baby just a few days ago. Unfortunately, it had been while the case was going on, and Max hadn’t been able to see the abomination of nature yet. But  _ man _ was he so going to see it afterwards. 

As broken up about it as he was about it, he was at least glad that she hadn’t waited until the most climactic moment to have it. Of course, Sybil  _ generally _ seemed to have a bit more sense than those movie protagonists…

Anyway.

They found their way up to the brain with the cool tubes that traveled everywhere, and Max went poking around at everything in sight. There were some containers of water (like the ones they had next to the coffee machine in their office), and upon tasting it, the water was salty. He figured those were the tear ducts. (Loser actually used his tear ducts.)

The upholstery was nice, he guessed, if extremely boring. There were brown couches with some dictionaries open on their coffee tables. Max would have given much different input on the layout. 

And then there was that door, right next to a big pulsing tumor-

Oh!

Max ran up to touch it. “It’s all squishy!”

“It’s filled with dark, demonic energy,” The doctor informed him, and Max nodded, staring at it with a grin. That was what was keeping sam away from him!

“So if I gave it a few good bites-”

“Max, you could hurt him,” Sybil said slowly. It sounded like she was talking to a little kid sometimes, but the lagomorph guessed it was good practice for the baby. He could support that, at the very least. 

“But-”

“No ‘but’s. You could  _ seriously _ hurt him or make this whole thing worse without the proper medical care.”

“But the tumor,” He whined. 

Sybil gave pause, looking thoughtful. “Maybe if I had…”

She trailed off as he pouted and glanced round the rest of the room. There was a door and-?

There was banging behind the door. What was… Hmm.

He drifted over in that direction, reaching up to scrape his pointer finger along his teeth, digging them into his hand with just enough pressure to keep himself focused. (Sam tended to get upset when he drew blood, so he hadn’t done it in years. He wouldn’t be happy that Max was doing it because of Sam’s absence but…)

He tugged on the door as Doctor Norrington and Sybil talked, with Papierwaite chiming in every once in a while. But if the thing behind the door was Sam, none of that mattered. 

“Sybil?” Max called, looking over his shoulder at her. “Breaking this door is fine though, right? Or will he catch on fire and burn us all?” 

Actually… It probably wasn’t good for him to catch on fire.

“I need to get in,” Max stated, watching the rest of the group. 

Sybil gave some pause, looking at him, and then around the door, murmuring something to herself. Counting? She was probably figuring out their position or something.

“It  _ should _ be fine Max. A lot of this is rather irregular though, so I can’t be sure, but you can certainly try, unless of course it’s connected to any major arteries. Doctor Norrington?”

Papierwaite shrugged, and Norrington gave his assent. 

Max turned, and rammed himself headfirst into the door. It didn’t budge. 

“ _ Woah _ -! Wait a minute, Max. Why do you need to get in there so badly?” Sybil asked, moving to grab his arm. He stuck out his tongue at her before he tried banging into it again. 

“Sam’s in there. Of course that dork would be stuck behind some stupid door that-” There was a bang on the door, and then a pause. Then, there were a series of taps. 

Sybil blinked, and pulled Max back with her as she pulled out some paper and a pencil. He tolerated this for the moment, since it looked like she knew something. 

She wrote something down as the tapping continued, and then sighed. Her paper spelled out ‘S.O.S.’. Of course that’s what Sam was doing. He  _ was _ a great detective after all, and probably knew that Max would go after him!

“Fine. Let’s all try the door, okay?” She assuaged as the following look Max gave her. Then she, the rabbity thing, and the doctor all crowded around the door, and shoved at it. It took a few moments of chaotic pushing and finally, Max started hitting the knob and-

**Bam!**

The door was kicked in, and a completely black room was revealed. 

Across the room was a window with the city being shown outside. Eyes, maybe? They didn’t seem to shed any light into the rest of the room at all, but Sam had to be-

“ _ Sam! _ ” Max yelled, throwing himself into the dogs arms. Sam wore his usual outfit, but it was completely greyscale and dark, and the Sam looked a bit harrowed, a bit ragged, and…

Max hugged him tightly, snuggling into his fur until Sam placed him back down on the… ‘Ground’.

“Sort of, Max. I’m not quite the Sam you all know and love.”

Max tilted his head, flopping his ears for dramatic effect. Sam softened, and Max knew then that it most definitely  _ was _ Sam. So what was with the denial?

“Oh yeah? You aren’t a clone or anything dumb like that, are you?” Max accused, and the dog smiled, bending down next to him as Max glanced back towards the door. Oh yeah. Sybil and Doctor norrington were over there. But for the moment, they didn’t matter. 

“I’m not. I am Sam’s subconscious though-”

Max frowned.

“-His thoughts, fears and instincts. And frankly little buddy… I’m  _ terrified _ .”

Sam laughed awkwardly and hoisted Max up and over to the eye-screen. The dog was being pretty touchy-feely, which was unusual for him, but Max couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

“But you’re like one of those movies! You’re  _ giant _ and you’re smashing the city and it’s  _ great _ !” Max shoved his shoulder lightly, wondering why he was so terrified, but Sam looked away. Max pressed closer in response, trying to offer more comfort and compliments. “It’s really look and the electricity is absolutely wrecking everything. And soon you’l be back to your boring old self, so why not revel in it right now-”

“I’m not sure you guys can do that, Max…”

The lagomorph looked at him. “Huh?”

“I don’t know if you guys can get me back to normal in time, not before the whole city is demolished and you have to use military grade missiles on me or something, anyway…” A building was upended outside, and Sam’s subconscious flinched. 

“But it’ll be soon enough, and who cares about that dumb city anyway? It’s full of scum and villainy! You should know it’s-”

“-It’s our city. I wanna protect it. Remember? That’s why I became a freelance officer in the first place…”

“And what a good job you do protecting it,” Max laughed, and Sam smiled weakly and waited patiently for him to continue. “We’ll fix you before you destroy  _ everything _ , and Mama Bosco was working on a way to take control of you and get you out of the city.”

“How is she going to do that?” Sam prodded gently. Max felt his eyes sting, and smiled wider. 

“We’ll just electrocute you or something!”

“Max… I feed on electricity right now.”

Oh… Yeah…

“Something else then. It’ll all come together somehow by some random turn of events, anyway.” Max tugged on Sam’s tie, and was set back down.

“I still don’t know if that’ll be a feasible option, little buddy. I haven’t seen any random happenstances around here and… I’m sorry but…”

“But what Sam? What does your old sweet grandmother always say?”

“... Idle hands are the devil's plaything?”

“No the one about butts.” Of course.

Sam sighed. “Butt’s are for sitting, but-”

“Butt.”

“Max would you just-” He let out a growl, and Max glanced at the screen. Some screaming civilians. It was the usual, but why was it so…

Why was it so wrong?

“ **You need to kill me** ,” sam said slowly, turning Max back to face him. For a moment, the lagomorph was surprised. 

Sam hadn’t ever suggested anything like  _ that _ before. It had always been a horribly clever and idiotic plan that worked out in the end, and Max sometimes  _ saw the way his partner looked at food, or the mirror, but… He didn’t really want to  _ **_die_ ** _ , did he? _

Max grabbed onto Sam’s arm and stared him in the eyes. He couldn’t focus on both at once, so he alternated between the two, looking for anything that would signal something like,

_ ‘Hey this is an awful plan, so sorry I even suggested it, little buddy.’ _

_ ‘No problem, Sam. Really proud of the gruesomeness of your idea, but maybe you should leave the joking to me.’ _

But none of that happened. 

“Max, do you-”

“What the-” There was a beep. “- _ Sam?!? _ ”

Sam winced, and Max curled his little bunny paw into a first, and  _ hit _ the dog.

Max slammed his paw into Sam’s arm, again and again, and his eyes burned but he refused to cry over Sam (again) when he was being so  _ serious _ , and Max needed to be serious to help and-

The dog waited for Max to fall against him, and then pulled the lagomorph into a tight hug. 

“It isn’t fair,” He mumbled. 

“I know.”

“... I’ll miss you,” Max told him. 

“I know. I’ll miss you too.”

He inhaled, hugging him impossibly tighter. Then, in an almost broken voice, “I know something you don’t.”

“... Oh?”

“ **_I love you_ ** .”

_______________________

Max pressed the button, and stared into the horizon as the light and sound of an explosion rattled the sky. He stayed until the image was seared into his brain. It was what Sam had asked for, and ending his (partner’s, mate’s, buddy’s,  _ love’s- _ ) friends life was something that only Sam could convince him to do. 

  
Everything else was a blur, and  _ somehow _ , cruelly, he didn’t (couldn’t) cry.


End file.
